Why it’s necessary to go no contact when you experience a break –up

When my ex husband and I first broke up nearly 8 years ago, he cut off all contact.   Although this was a welcome relief to me, not to be getting into arguments any more, I struggled with it. We had children together and they were old enough to have their contact with him direct, which meant we didn’t need to.   I found it really difficult at first to get my head around not having any contact with him. We had been married for nearly 19 years and I was used to having him around.  But thank god he did!  Once I realised that was the way it was going to be, I was able to start picking up the pieces and get on with preparing for my new life as a single woman without having the pain and complications that come with still being in constant contact.  I don’t think that he had particularly heard of the ‘no contact’ rule it was pure self preservation on his part and in doing so he helped me as much as he helped himself.  So, ex- husband if you ever read this, I would like to say a big thank you.

Ever since then I have always promoted ‘no contact’ to anyone that is experiencing a break up.  Continuing to have contact with an ex, especially in the beginning is the equivalent to picking at a scab. If you keep picking at a scab you stop the wound from healing.  When you break up with someone you need time to heal, time to reflect on what has happened and time to prepare yourself for the future.  If you are still in contact with them every day then you stop this process, you stay locked in on that relationship and at times, especially if you are the one who has been dumped, basically torture yourself.  No contact is a way to close the door on the old relationship and give you breathing space.

Women in particular find the ‘no contact’ rule more difficult than men. We seem to have a need to talk things over, often with the hope that we they can change the other persons mind or make them see sense, but all it succeeds in doing is prolong the agony.  No contact doesn’t just mean talking to or meeting up with the other person either. I have seen women ‘stalking’ their ex on facebook and by text message, finding any excuse for looking them up or finding out what they are doing. Only to get really upset when it seems like their ex is having fun and reading things into what they find.

The best way to give yourself a fresh start and help yourself through the initial phases of getting over your break up is to bite the bullet, be strong and go NO Contact.

Keep your eye out for further posts on going No contact in the near future.

It’s never easy when you think about having to start over with something. Especially if it seems like you have to start your whole life over again. I know what that feels like as a few years ago, I had to do exactly that. It felt like there was a mountain in front of me and I was about to climb it in stiletto’s with no safety line. But I was determined that I would climb it and that when I got to the top, the view was going to be great.

Part of what makes that view great and the climb worthwhile is when you get to the point when you realise that things really are going to be better than they were before. I learned many things along the way and here I want to share with you some key tips that helped me to get the life I wanted.

What got you here won’t get you there!

Take some time to understand what got you to where you are today, so that you don’t make the same mistakes again. Mistakes are funny things as there are so many different types of mistakes, with varying consequences from simple little mistakes to big fat bloopers but the most important thing to remember is that in order to learn from them you have to accept them.

Own up to your mistakes even if only to yourself and you will get a much clearer understanding of how you got where you are today. We all make mistakes; even if that mistake is about allowing ourselves to put up with things we knew we shouldn’t have. There is no point in blaming everything on other people or life itself as you won’t learn anything. If you don’t accept your mistakes and look at them properly, then chances are you will keep making them. And the brilliant thing about starting again is that you get to do things differently, better than before.

Recognise your strengths.

No doubt there are probably many times in the past when things happened that you didn’t expect and you were thrown into a bit of turmoil. Or perhaps you even expected them to happen and didn’t have a choice. Either way, you dealt with them and got through them. You are probably a lot more resilient than you think you are.

Think of all the things that you have dealt with in your past and all the things that you have achieved and recognise how strong and capable you are. Be thankful to those things that you survived as they enabled you to learn something. Stop telling yourself that you are no good and that you are hopeless and tell yourself you are a wonderful and strong person, capable of dealing with whatever comes your way – because you are. When you recognise your strengths you will be able to tap into them and grow them even more.

Change is a positive thing.

People often stay stuck where they are because they are either scared of change in some way or are actually perfectly happy where they are – The proverbial pig in mud. Being adaptable and open to change allows you to experience new things and learn far more than you would if you stay where you are.

A lot of the time people resist change because they are unsure of what is going to happen and they feel as though they might not have control over the future. We do everything we can to avoid any type of discomfort in our lives, yet challenges and pressures can bring out the best in us. Your situation may have changed without you wanting it to but if you embrace it and find ways to rise to the challenge, you will certainly be glad that it did.

Stay focused on what you want.

Work out what it is you want for your future and set some goals around this so that you have something to work towards. This helps you to stay focused and will keep you moving forward. Set small chunks of goals so that you avoid overwhelm and help you to tackle things one step at a time.

If your first goal is to sort out your finances then start small by working out a budget and then set yourself a target to stick to. Achieving smaller goals will increase your confidence and build your self esteem, allowing you to set more challenging goals as you go along. When you keep your focus on the future and where you are going you will start to gradually see things moving and improving and before you know it you are well on your way to enjoying the new and improved you.

I have been madly busy lately working with my teenage mums and so want to apologise for being a little lax in posting to my blog. But I really wanted to share with you the following on the differences between a good person and a bad person. This comes from some of the work that I have been doing helping Teenage mums look at what they want for their lives and a lot of the issues that they have can affect us all no matter how old we are.

It’s all too easy to get caught up in relationships or friendships when we first meet someone, where we find that once the inital phase of meeting someone wears off, there are often things about them or that happen that make us feel uncomfortable or unhappy, yet we fail to do something about it.

Here is a list of traits of the differences between people that are good for us and those that are not, that we could probably all do well to remember at some point or another.

A Good Person

A good person will be happy to listen to you
A good person will love you for who you are and not try to change you
A good person will respect your opinions
A good person will support your goals
A good person makes you feel safe
A good person wants you to be happy

A Bad Person

A bad person ignores yougood person, bad person
A bad person says nasty things to you
A bad person makes you feel bad
A bad person tries to change you
A bad person is controlling
A bad person does not respect your opinions
A bad person makes you feel frightened

There are lots more that can be added to each list, if anyone has any they would like to add, please let me know. What makes a person good or bad for you?

Are you struggling to work out what you want?
Wondering if the grass will be greener on the other side?
or do you need to check whether your decision to stay or go is the right one for you?

During the FREE call last week, with Francine Kaye – The Divorce Dr, Francine took us through a great exercise to work out whether to stay or go, that you can follow along with. Not only that but she also helps you to work out why your relationship might have gone wrong in the first place and what to do once you have made the decision so that you can build a solid platform to move forward.

To listen to the call and take part in the exercise, sign up for the FREE recording here :

Francine Kaye Audio Recording

This call is so chock full of wonderful and practical information, that I know that you will find something here to help you.

One listener immediately emailed me within minutes of the call and described it as AWESOME !

I have set up these free calls to help other people like me who have come out of a long term relationship and had to start again, so please let me know how useful they are to you by posting your comments below. I really do want to hear from you.

Susan x : )

Do you find yourself obsessing about your ex or the relationship? Keep rehashing conversations or even arguments in your head and wondering why on earth they couldn’t see or understand things your way? Or perhaps you are constantly wondering what you did wrong or could have done differently to change the way they feel. Maybe you spend most of your time making choices and decisions based on what you think their response will be. “If he/ she see me doing this they will realise what they are missing”

It’s quite normal to spend time trying to make sense of things but when it turns into constantly obsessing about your ex then it’s not helping you. It’s only serving to keep you stuck in the past and stopping you from moving on.

It’s time to get back into your own head and focus on yourself. There may have been things that in hindsight you could have done differently, but you didn’t and there may be things that you could improve about yourself but that doesn’t mean that you are not a loveable and worthwhile person. Whatever the reason that your relationship went wrong it has happened and yes there are things that you can learn from it so that you have better relationships in the future, but first you need to refocus on yourself so that you can create the space to do and have what you want in your life.

This kind of habit can be hard to kick and you will need to be tough with yourself, especially in the beginning. But remember if you are obsessing about your ex, then you are not paying any attention to yourself and your own needs.

Here are three key steps to bringing the focus back to you.

1. Living in the now

A great way of bringing the focus back to you is to remember that the only time that really exists is NOW. The past and the future are only there in your imagination. The past has happened and what you have is a memory of your interpretation of events and the future is your imagination deciding what it thinks will happen.

When you find yourself obsessing about the past or what you think will happen in the future, bring yourself back to what is happening NOW for YOU. What are you doing right now that you can become more consciously aware of? Are you at work or out shopping, perhaps you are sitting at home in front of the TV.

Whatever it is that you are doing; practise giving it your FULL ATTENTION. You will find that with after a while you will be able to stay focused on yourself and what is going on for you much easier.

2. Do things that energise you

Think about you and who or what you enjoy. There are a host of ways that you can energise yourself. Think about the following and make a commitment to yourself to increase your activity in the areas that appeal to you the most.

• Which people energise you?
• What activities do you enjoy?
• What treats do you like?
• What would you love to learn?
• What hobbies or interests did you used to have?

Spending time doing things that energise you will help to build up your levels of happiness and self esteem and will allow you to separate yourself from getting stuck in the past. There is usually always something that you would have stopped doing or made changes to as a result of being in your last relationship. Find out what they are and start doing them again if they make you feel good about yourself.

3. Express gratitude

We all have things in our life that we are grateful for but often we forget to pay them any attention. We tend to think about and remember the bad things that happen and forget all the good things that happen every day. When you only think about the bad things it can seriously affect the way you see yourself and your behavior. Your behavior affects your outcome and this can keep you in a negative cycle of thought.

Start a gratitude journal and put in it all the good things that happen to you every day. The smallest things can be a boost when you take notice of them. Don’t write down anything negative, only positive thoughts about what you are grateful for. For example “I am grateful that I arrived at work safely this morning” or “I am grateful that I like the people I work with” perhaps you are grateful that you have a really good friend that you can talk to, or that you are enjoying the book you are reading.

There are lots of little things everyday that you have to be grateful for. Focus on what you do have in your life and not what you don’t. Think about the people that you know and what they bring to your life. If you find that you keep thinking about the bad things that happen then think about the good things that have come from it. What did the experience teach you?

Remember that hard times and challenges make you stronger and by bringing your focus back to yourself you will be able to take what you need from the experience and use it to create a better life and relationship for yourself in the future.

Tuesday 25th August 2009 8.00pm (3.00pm US Eastern)

(Please note these calls will be recorded and available for those who register)

I am so excited that Francine has been able to find time in her busy schedule to join me in bringing you the best ideas, tips and hands-on advice on how to cut through the pain and indecision that nearly all of us go through at the end of a relationship, so that you too can come out the other side knowing exactly what you want for your future!

Francine Kaye, ‘The Divorce Doctor’, is a trained councellor,relationships coach, family mediator and parent effectiveness trainer. Francine regularly appears on Channel 5′s The Wright Stuff and is called in as an expert to numerous radio and TV shows. She writes for Woman and Home, Prima, Psycologies, Grazia, Zest and Womans Health and is Author of the book ‘The Divorce Doctor’ You can find out more about francine here: The Divorce Doctor

During this call Francine will show you how to implement the 3 essential keys to getting over your past and creating your ideal life and relationships.

You will learn how to:

* Understand what happened, why it happened and how it happened.
* Know what to look for in the future – your rules for your ideal relationship
- they might not be what you think they are!
* Have the courage to say what you want and get it!

If you are ready to break through the barriers that have been holding you back which keep you in the pain of your past relationship then dont miss out on this great one time only call! Register your FREE place here

Do you find yourself in the same types of situations or relationships again and again, or is one of your fears that you don’t want to repeat old patterns and end up in the same situation but with someone new?

Or perhaps you are currently in a relationship and you are wondering why you keep ending up in the same place and going round in circles. Here are three ways in which you can re-evaluate what’s happening and make conscious changes for the better.

1 – Be honest with yourself

Only you can decide what you want to change and the only person that you can change is yourself. It has been said that the definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing over again and expecting different results!

Often we know what we don’t want more than what we do want and this can also make you feel like a victim when that is what you think you get. Get really clear on what you do want. Trust your intuition and make choices based on what you know deep down inside will make you feel good about yourself. Being honest with yourself will help you to reset those boundaries and make the changes that you want

2 – Take responsibility

It can be all too easy to allow yourself to feel like a victim of circumstance or other people, but when you do this you are effectively giving up your power and individuality to someone or something else. In some circumstances you may find that there are hidden benefits to playing the role of victim, but essentially; you are not a victim – you play a part in all relationships.

Accepting your part in the relationship, is a huge step towards releasing your own power and individuality and when you take a look at how you are feeling and what your behavior has been; it will help you to see things from a perspective that will enable you to make changes for the better. Decide what is acceptable and set clear boundaries for yourself as well as others and when necessary discuss these honestly.

3 – Change the way you treat yourself.

If you don’t treat yourself well, how can you expect others to do so! Invest time and energy into yourself and take a long hard look at the things that you say to yourself. If you don’t feel that you are worthy then you will put up with bad behavior from other people, and again it is about taking responsibility for what you are projecting. So start with you, show some appreciation– until you know what you are worth – you can’t expect others to. Never look for someone else to complete you – complete yourself.

If you missed the Free Call with Confidence Coach Jane Wilmer then don’t worry because I recorded it.

During this call Jane took us through some great ways to start to rebuild your confidence after a breakup and putting yourself First for a change. She delved into the different ways that you can be affected by a separation and how it can really knock your confidence and make you doubt your own abilities. Jane then gave us some brilliant ideas on how you can pick yourself up and really see yourself from a positive angle and treat yourself as you would your best friend.
To hear the call and register for future calls go to:
Jane Wilmer Free Audio

I hope to see you on future calls

CALL #1 starting Tuesday 28th JULY at 8.00p, GMT (3.00pm US Eastern)

The SECRET to rebuilding your CONFIDENCE and putting yourself FIRST for a change. with Susan Savery & Special Guest Expert Jane Wilmer

Sign up here:
Teleseminar audios

This call will be recorded and a link send to everyone who registers.

Here are a few ways that you can start to pay more attention to looking after yourself.

Nourish and care for your body – it’s got you to today and you need it to take you a lot further. Eat nutritiously, exercise regularly and make sure that you take time out to relax and replenish yourself.

Look after your emotions – Improve your sense of well being by taking time to relax and enjoy yourself, spend time doing things that you enjoy or being with people whose company you enjoy. Allow yourself to express and understand your feelings by journaling instead of keeping things bottled up.

Feed your brain – Give your brain sustenance by keeping it active, reading, taking up a hobby or dong a course will all help to keep your brain replenished. Apply your brain to creative activities or make a point of thinking creatively about problems to stretch your brain regularly.

Look after your sense of inner self – by meditating, taking walks in beautiful surroundings, regularly spend a few hours on your own; these can all help you to gain an inner sense of calm.

Give yourself a break – we are our own biggest critic. Next time you find yourself berating yourself for something you think you have done wrong, let yourself off – learn from what has happened and forgive yourself. That also includes forgiving yourself for things that have happened in the past. They are gone now – take some time to be grateful for what you learned form it and then let it go.

And as a final note – when you go to sleep at night; take some time to run through your day and think of all the good things that have happened and praise yourself for your achievements – and if you think that you haven’t had any – think again as even the tiniest thing that you did as you wanted is a success, even if it is only making a nice cup of tea!